Enough
by BregoArodShadowfax
Summary: He'd failed. He'd failed at his job, he'd failed at his training, he'd failed at the number one most basic rule of being an agent - don't get attached - and he'd let his emotions and his compassion get the better of him. And, somehow, he knows that Lucci will know. Lucci/Kaku.


**Title:** Enough  
 **Author:** kikokus (AoiTsukikage)  
 **Rating:** PG-13  
 **Characters/Pairing:** Lucci/Kaku  
 **Chapter:** 1/1  
 **Word Count:** 3244  
 **Summary:** He'd failed. He'd failed at his job, he'd failed at his training, he'd failed at the number one most basic rule of being an agent - _don't get attached -_ and he'd let his emotions and his compassion get the better of him. And, somehow, he knows that Lucci will _know_ _.  
_ **Spoilers:** Only if you haven't read CP9's cover story

 **Enough**

He hasn't been in to see him.

He knows he should, probably, since all of the others have and none of them have come out any the worse for wear - well, that's a lie, Jyabura had run out howling with Hattori on the warpath dive-bombing him, but since Jyabura doesn't seem to have any side of his personality that _isn't_ excessively grating that wasn't a big shock.

Still, he's hesitating, and if he actually stops and sorts out all of the jumbled thoughts and feelings in his brain the reason why becomes painfully obvious.

He'd failed.

He'd failed at his job, he'd failed at his training, he'd failed at the number one most basic rule of being an agent _don't get attached don't get fucking attached_ and he'd let his emotions and his compassion get the better of him.

They'd all lost.

But he's the only one who's a traitor.

And, somehow, he knows that Lucci will _know._

He's not scared of death, obviously. He'd expected it, lying in the rubble of what was once Jyabura's garden, looking at the sky above him and waiting for the flames of the Buster Call to engulf his broken body.

Blueno appearing and scooping him through the Air Door hadn't even crossed his mind at the time, and when it had happened it was hard to process that he actually _wasn't_ going to die.

That they'd all made it out alive is probably a miracle, but that first sight of Lucci's unconscious form – clothing tattered, skin streaked with blood, hair matted and dripping crimson – it had made him _feel_ things that were, at the moment, entirely unproductive.

He'd pushed down all of it, storing it away deep inside of him where nobody would ever see. The rest of them looked to him as a leader in Lucci's absence, regardless of the fact that he's the youngest of them all, and he couldn't let his inner turmoil compromise all of their safety.

So he'd done what he always did, plastered on a smile and a front of fake positivity and did the best job he could.

And considering that he couldn't even _walk_ by himself at the time, he figures he'd done a pretty good one.

It's not that he's _not_ a happy person, he thinks idly as he scratches the end of his long nose. He is, generally, and he likes to believe the best in people. It's easy to get jaded doing the job he does…did…and trying to keep finding the joy in life, to keep searching for things that give him faith in humanity…it gives him a purpose and keeps him from ever sinking too low.

Inside, though, he knows he's a mess. Tamping down his negative emotions and forcing himself to ignore them is going to eventually come back to haunt him, but he'll take his chances with that vague 'someday' rather than facing all of his demons now.

He shakes his head to snap himself out of his thoughts, staring at the door to Lucci's hospital room again.

'Someday', he smiles wryly. Considering what he's about to do, 'someday' might never come, and that's probably for the best.

He stands up, brushing off the back of his pants (can't go into his execution looking sloppy, after all) and takes a step toward the door, the fall of his boot against the tiled floor sounding like a death-knell in his ears.

He pauses with his hand on the doorknob, fingers curled around the handle. When did he become such a coward that he can't even face his teammate without his palms starting to sweat and his heart feeling like it's about to beat out of his chest?

The handle moves under his touch without him prompting it, and when the door swings open to reveal one of the nurses, he stands there in the doorway with his mouth opening and closing like a gaping fish.

"Oh! He's awake now, if you want to go in!" she smiles kindly at him, patting his arm (perhaps she thinks his obvious agitated state is merely worry) and brushing by him, and he's _really_ out of excuses now.

He hears a cooing and looks up, trying not to startle when Hattori lands on his shoulder and digs his sharp little talons into his neck until the bird finds his balance.

"He only makes that sound for one person."

Kaku gulps, taking a step into the room (and, on second thought, closing the door behind him. No sense in innocent people having to witness a bloodbath). Hattori keeps cooing happily so he reaches up to stroke a finger down the bird's soft chest-feathers.

Lucci looks up when he walks toward the bed he's staying in, his dark eyes as sharp and predatory as ever despite the bandages covering nearly every inch of visible skin. Kaku knows he's still probably in a lot more pain than he's showing, but then, maybe they're all good at hiding how they feel.

It's pretty much in the job description.

"Lucci," he nods, hoping his voice is steady. He's quite convinced Lucci can smell fear, so it's best to appear calm, even if it's only a façade.

"I'm 'Lucci' now, am I?" the man raises one of his already impressively-arched eyebrows.

Shit. Way to blow his cover before he's even begun.

Lucci had asked him once, soon after they'd gotten to Water 7, to use his real name when they were alone. Kaku's still not exactly sure why he's the only one that's been granted that privilege, but it's always been something he's taken pride in, so for him to break that after so many years would be an immediate red flag for the older man.

"It's been a week, boy."

"I'm aware," Kaku snaps, inwardly rolling his eyes because _there he goes again_.

How did he manage to be a successful undercover agent for so long when he can't even have _one_ conversation now without acting extremely suspicious?

"Then I can only assume something was keeping you from visiting," Lucci sniffs, and if Kaku didn't know better, it would almost seem like the other man is _sulking._

"It's nothin'," he replies with a shrug, unconsciously slipping back into his native drawl. He doesn't know who his parents are, of course, since most of CP9 are orphans, but he's always had a rather distinct way of speaking. He can normally mask it in situations where acting and speaking formally are required, but when he's feeling comfortable it comes out, and apparently Lucci still makes him feel at ease despite the situation they're currently in.

"We both know that's a lie," Lucci's voice is like poisoned silk, sliding around him and filling his senses with a slippery, deadly promise of intent. "You're acting very out of character."

Kaku sighs heavily, knowing that Lucci's not going to let this go until he gets his answer, so maybe it's best to just own up to what he's done.

"Back at Enies Lobby," he starts, choosing his words carefully and speaking as stiffly as possible, "I behaved in a way that's unbecoming of an agent of my supposed calibre. I purposefully aided the enemy in the completion of their goal to free Nico Robin, and as such I've committed treason of the highest order and shamed the name of CP9. As my team leader, I leave the decision of my fate to you," his voice gives out on the last word and he squeezes his eyes shut, preparing for the inevitable.

When the expected pain doesn't come, he cracks one eye open, teeth gritted and body tense. Lucci, the bastard, looks _amused,_ and Kaku huffs in annoyance.

"I'd appreciate it if y' just killed me instead of playin' around, Rob," he growls, to hell with the formalities. "If y' wanna leave me here t' bleed out, that's just peachy, but don't make me wait…"

"I'm not going to kill you, boy," Lucci talks over him and Kaku snaps his mouth shut, blinking rapidly because there's no way he'd heard that correctly.

"You…you're not?"

"No," Lucci certainly _sounds_ serious, but Kaku knows he's killed for far less in the past so to think that he won't now is improbable. "Not without first hearing what exactly your horrible transgression was," he adds, and Kaku should have known he'd try to drag this out as long as possible.

Lucci gets enjoyment from the chase, from seeing the fear in eyes of his prey, and killing Kaku without making him squirm first would be entirely _too_ kind.

"I gave Roronoa the key," he says quickly. "And I…I allowed myself…damn it, Rob, I can't work with guys every day for five years and feel _nothin'_ when I'm s'posed to kill 'em!" his voice is rising in pitch and he tries to calm himself down, but that's proving impossible now.

"Kaku. Breathe," Lucci commands, and Kaku finds himself obeying immediately. "And sit down already," his eyes flick to the bed before moving upward again.

Kaku would really rather not, if he's being honest, but Lucci's made his wishes clear and it would be unwise to ignore that.

He walks to the bed on legs that feel unsteady, like he's moving in his giraffe form instead of his human one, and settles down on the very edge of the mattress. Hattori coos in his ear again, seemingly aware that something important is happening.

"Now," Lucci certainly looks all-business, arched brows furrowed and body leaning forward. "When you… _gave…_ Roronoa the key, were you in any position to fight him off had you kept it to yourself?"

Kaku sighs, because he _knows_ he couldn't have even moved anymore, but that doesn't change anything.

"No," he says slowly, not looking at Lucci now. "But…"

"No excuses," Lucci says firmly. "If you had been in perfect health and had just decided to give up the key that would be a different matter, of course, and as for your other confession…" he sighed. "You've always been soft. You're a brilliant agent because you can blend in seamlessly with people, and that's a valuable asset, but you care too much. It's your biggest weakness," he notes, and Kaku can't disagree with him.

"I can improve," he promises, though by now he's quite sure he can't. He suspects that Lucci himself has never felt honest affection for any human, which makes getting attached impossible, but on the other hand his constant indifferent coldness makes it hard for him to insert himself into undercover missions as easily as Kaku can.

So maybe it balances out in the end as far as their respective usefulness goes, but he's the only one who has to deal with any emotional fallout.

"I doubt it," Lucci pulls him back to the present, his voice low. "You're a bleeding heart, boy."

Kaku sinks back a little on the bed, convinced now that his life _isn't_ going to end today (but honestly, he's not sure how he feels about that). Hattori nuzzles against his cheek and he reaches up to pet the bird again.

He just feels… _tired,_ now that he's worried himself into an anxious mess for apparently nothing, and the bed under him is soft enough that he leans back unconsciously, letting his is head rest against the headboard even while his legs still dangle awkwardly off of the side of the mattress.

They're both silent for a time then, and while Kaku can't really call it 'comfortable' it's at least _familiar._

They'd been roommates for their entire stay in Water 7, after all, and then something rather more than roommates for most of it, but he knows the reasons for that were purely practical.

Lucci was supposed to be unable to speak, and even for him in the heat of passion it was easy to let a sound, no matter how small, slip out.

That would be a pretty mortifying way to ruin one's cover, and certainly not a chance Lucci would ever take, so one night when he'd grabbed Kaku's wrist and all but pulled him into his bedroom he couldn't really refuse.

For the successful completion of the mission, it was necessary.

Looking back, he knows they'd gone a lot farther than just mutual stress relief, but it was a relationship solely confined to the bedroom and it wasn't as if any _feelings_ ever came into play.

At least, he's sure there aren't any on Lucci's side. For him, it's hard to sleep with somebody for five years, to know every inch of their body and every tiny movement and sound they make, to wake up beside them and know they'll be there to fall asleep next to when night falls again…

Yeah. Lucci's a hard man to love, and Kaku would hardly call his feelings that, but they're still _feelings_ and the idea that Lucci might ever find out is terrifying.

"I feel I should tell you something," Lucci says, pulling him out of his thoughts. "What we were doing…I fear that our mission had a skewed purpose from the beginning."

"What d'you mean?" Kaku glances sideways. Yes, he'd had his own suspicions about Spandam, and that their director had been nowhere to be found yet they'd all been left to die was more than a little telling, but he can't say anything without being completely sure.

"I don't know the whole story," Lucci frowns, seemingly annoyed by that fact. "But while we were taking Nico Robin to the gates of justice, he asked things of me that even I could not comply with," he doesn't elaborate and Kaku doesn't ask, but he knows it had to have been truly immoral for Lucci to disobey his superior.

Yes, Lucci's ruthless, and he might get more pleasure from killing than most of them, but he still has limits and there's at least a _shred_ of humanity buried deep within his hardened core.

"So y'think he…what, we did alla that f'r nothin'?" Kaku asks, getting a half-hearted shrug in return.

"I believe he had ulterior motives, yes, but I'm not going to guess what those were. The main point, I suppose, is that our mission was supposed to be about acquiring the keys necessary to construct the ancient weapon Pluton as a preventative measure, but Spandam…" he shakes his head. "I fear his personal greed and love for power overrode his duty, and that made him possibly more dangerous than anybody."

"Fuck," Kaku knows what Lucci means, and if Spandam truly had only wanted the blueprints for Pluton and the one person who could read them so he could use them for his own personal gain and not the protection of innocent civilians…

Yeah. That's not something Kaku ever wants to be a part of.

"Right now it wouldn't surprise me if we're just as wanted by the Marines as those pirates that defeated us," he grunts, and Kaku knows that his thoughts and Lucci's are the same on that matter. "So we need to look out for ourselves first, and killing you would make that significantly harder since, as I said before, you're our best in when it comes to passing as a regular person."

"So you're not gonna kill me b'cause I'm more useful t' you alive?" he can see the logic in that, he supposes, though it's not an especially comforting thought.

"In part. You're also the only other person I find tolerable out of the rest of those fools," he says rather scathingly, "and Hattori likes you, so you see, killing you would make _my_ life harder and I hardly want to do that."

"Of course," Kaku agrees, and while he's sure none of what Lucci's saying is a _lie,_ he's also rather certain now that Lucci had never really intended to kill him.

He pulls his legs onto the bed and leans back farther, his head resting on Lucci's shoulder without him meaning to initiate the contact.

He freezes, his breath catching in his throat, but when Lucci brings up his arm to hold his shoulders steady he releases it in a sigh.

"I think nearly dying's mellowed you out, Rob," he murmurs, hearing Lucci give a bitter laugh.

"Hardly. But I've been told all of you went to great lengths to save my life, and while I can't say I deserve it, I hope you realize that I'm grateful," his voice sounds tight, like expressing any sort of gratitude is difficult for him.

"You're our leader. Of course we were gonna fight tooth 'n nail t' save you," Kaku lets his eyes half-close, and if he tries hard enough he can imagine they're back in Water 7, just getting ready for another day at the docks.

Fuck.

He'd give anything to go back to that.

"Still, I suppose more than anything it's shown me that all we have is each other, and if we want to make it out of this alive, we'll have to cooperate," his fingers tighten around Kaku's shoulder almost to the point of being painful. "And you…you'd die for me, if I asked you to," Lucci turns his head to look at him, hand moving to tip his chin up and forcing their eyes to meet.

Kaku doesn't say anything, because there's nothing to say.

He _would_ die for Lucci, without question.

His fingers tighten on Kaku's jaw, holding his head in place as Lucci swoops in to press their lips together.

Lucci kisses like he does everything else, with raw power and utter control and just the barest hint of finesse that makes Kaku believe he could probably be an excellent lover if he had any inclinations in that area.

He rests his own hand on Lucci's shoulder, unsure where he should touch considering the other man's injuries. Lucci deepens the kiss, tongue pressing insistently against Kaku's lips until he parts them, and there's the slightest edge of desperation to his movements that Kaku's not sure what to make of.

He's out of breath when Lucci finally releases him, chest heaving and mind reeling, and if anything he's even _more_ confused than before as to where they stand.

"I'm going to sleep," Lucci announces then, which is a rather clear signal to Kaku that he's supposed to leave.

Kaku starts to move, barely getting one foot off of the bed before Lucci's hand clamps around his wrist like a vise.

He doesn't say anything, but his meaning is clear. Kaku leans back against the pillows, hesitating before touching his fingertips to Lucci's shoulder as the other man settles himself under the covers.

Even that looks painful, his body moving slowly and stiffly, but Kaku knows he won't ask for help and the younger man isn't going to belittle him by offering it.

Lucci falls asleep quickly once he's comfortable, his body going still under the thin blanket. Kaku breathes out slowly, fingers slipping through Lucci's rather unruly hair. It's not something he'd dare to do if Lucci were awake, of course, but for now it's safe enough.

Hattori coos in his ear, the sound calm and reassuring, and Kaku wonders absently just how his life's gotten even _more_ fucked up than it had been just a couple of hours before.

He'll probably never understand Lucci, but for right now it's obvious the other man at least still wants him around, and while that might not be much, it's _something._

And, for the moment, it's enough.

 **Notes:**

This isn't a ship that I talk about a lot, but it's one I've shipped for a long time and I hope if you read this it was enjoyable! Please feel free to comment if you feel so inclined :)


End file.
